Assertiveness is the art of clear, straight communication, even where difficult feelings are involved. It is based on respect: self-respect, believing that you have a right to your feelings, and a right to be heard; and respect for others, believing that they have a right to their own free will and their feelings. Assertiveness is not about getting your own way. It is a vital element in resilience, as it helps you and people you engage with to handle difficulties more effectively.
The essence of assertiveness is: listening, making clear statements of wishes and feelings, self-esteem, negotiation, respect for the wishes and rights of others.
Assertiveness contrasts with the three other ways we habitually handle difficult dialogues:
Passive: You let people impose on you, you’re scared to say what you actually feel.
Indirect: You’re inhibited about speaking out directly: you apologise, put yourself down, play the martyr, or use sarcasm, hoping the other person will somehow get your drift.
Aggressive: You impose your feelings on the other person, and try to browbeat them into seeing things your way, without considering their point of view.
It sounds easy – with practice it can be. The reason it’s so hard to be simple and direct is usually that we’re so scared of rejection. We’re nervous and very tense inside, and often this explodes as aggression, gets buried under a passive façade, or leaks out in being long-winded or sarcastic. The best way to calm yourself down is to stop worrying about the outcome of the conversation! Just put your point of view clearly, show that you’re open to a discussion, and see what happens. If the other person says no, above all don’t take it as a personal rejection. Assume they have their reasons, stay calm, and ask questions.
Don’t assume that the other person is out to get you! The reason they say no may be because they have needs you don’t know about yet, or because they don’t yet have all the facts. If you can stay calm and explore why they want something different from you, you’ll start to understand better – you create more options, and even if you don’t get your way in the end, you’ll know why. Trust that you’ll find an outcome which meets everyone’s needs.
Principles of Assertiveness
Assertive Strategy
Be prepared: practise positive thinking, rehearse, plan appearance, use relaxation techniques.
Be specific: decide precisely what you want, and say it without apology or padding.
Be open: listen to what others say, and be prepared to change your mind, give and take, and compromise.
Be persistent: stay calm, use the techniques below, repeat your statement as often as necessary.
Be sensitive: aim for no-one to go away feeling bruised.
Assertive Process
- I know what I want to say.
- I say what I mean.
- I listen to what the other person has to say.
- I am understood and I understand.
- I reach a position for negotiation.
- I hope to reach at least a workable compromise.
- No-one feels upset by the outcome.
Assertive Techniques
Broken record: persistently repeating your statement.
Self-disclosure: admitting how you feel.
Deflection: acknowledging the other’s point of view.
Negative acceptance: accepting the truth in valid criticism.
Negative invitation: actively inviting further criticism.
Expressing feelings
Expressing feelings is hard for many of us, especially in work situations: we’re scared of losing control of ourselves and scared that we may embarrass other people or hurt their feelings. Here are some pointers on how to express your feelings manageably:
- The crucial difference is between owning your feelings and being overwhelmed by them. To say, “I feel angry with you”, or “I’m feeling rather sad today” enables you to describe to others what you are feeling, without actually losing your temper or bursting into tears.
- Ensure that you express your feelings as “I” statements, so that you don’t leave others feeling accused. It is very different to say, “I feel annoyed by what you’ve just said” than “You’re so annoying”, or worse still, “Why do you always mess things up and annoy everyone?” You are always entitled to your response to a situation, providing that you express it in a clear way, and own it as yours.
- If your feelings are so strong that they feel overwhelming, try one of these approaches:
- Repeating an “I” statement that describes how you feel.
- Saying something like “I feel overwhelmed”, “I don’t know if I can handle this”: simply voicing this feeling or this fear helps to reduce its power.
- Telling the person you’re with that you need to take a few deep breaths to handle this and doing so.
- Believe that you’re entitled to look after yourself: if the situation really is too much, excuse yourself, and give yourself space. Have a walk and get some fresh air; find a loo or a quiet room where you can let the feelings out, cry, shout, or whatever you need to do; or find a supportive friend who you can let the feelings out to.
Listening skills
- When the other person is talking, stop thinking about your needs and your agenda! In other words, the most basic need is that you do one thing at a time: you really listen with your full attention. Think about your own experience of wanting to be listened to: you know immediately if somebody is giving you their full attention, or if their mind is elsewhere.
- Listening with your full attention doesn’t just mean listening to the words: it means listening with your eyes and your own emotions, as well as your ears. What is the other person’s body language telling you, and their gestures? Be aware of the emotions that the other person is feeling.
- Provide playback: you can prove that you have really heard the other person, and can check out for yourself if you have understood them, by telling them the main points you believe they have made. Summarising is a great way of avoiding misunderstandings.
- Show that you have registered the other person’s feelings: for example, if they are very angry about something, a statement like “you clearly feel quite angry about this”, can help to relieve their feelings, because they know you are aware of them. Your remark may lead them to say more about how angry they feel: don’t be afraid of this, remember that if someone is feeling strong emotions, they probably need to let off steam before they can really listen to your needs and respond to you.
- Don’t be afraid to ask questions! Asking questions is a sign that you are listening, that you are thinking carefully about what the other person is saying and that you are keen to understand them. If the other person’s response to what you want is negative, asking questions can be the way to find a breakthrough, by understanding what their objection really is, and whether they have actually understood all the points supporting your preference.
- Try to ask ‘open’ rather than ‘closed’ questions. An open question is one which doesn’t assume an answer, and encourages the other person to explore their own views objectively, using the mental level. For example, “How could this situation be made acceptable for you?” rather than “I don’t imagine there’s any way you could accept this situation, is there?”
Handling criticism
This is one of the most stressful situations many of us face. Because of our discomfort, we often avoid any real dialogue about the criticism, and push the scene to a premature conclusion, by blowing up in angry objection, or limply accepting what’s said. Here are some guidelines for handling criticism assertively:
- Stay as relaxed as you can! In particular, keep breathing deeply. Try giving yourself an internal message such as “It is safe to listen: I don’t have to agree with this”.
- Give yourself space and time. For example, rather than feel you have to respond immediately to a criticism, ask the other person to repeat it so that you can take it in, or ask them to elaborate on the experiences and evidence which they feel support their view. Or use a reflective listening technique: summarise what you think the other person’s criticisms are to see if you have heard them correctly or not.
- Being criticised can feel very disempowering: tell yourself that you still have power in the situation. For example, if you feel too upset to respond calmly, say “I’ve heard what you’ve said, but I really need some time to digest it and think about it before I can respond to you. Can we fix a time to talk about this further?” Remember that giving criticism is also stressful, so a break can be helpful for both of you.
- Use criticism: treat it as an opportunity to learn from. Aim to develop your ability to stay centred, clear and calm in a stressful situation, and to look at the criticisms objectively. If you can’t do this in the initial discussion, aim to do it on your own afterwards, and then discuss them with the other person.
- If you believe a criticism is sound, simply acknowledge it, accept the reality and the responsibility, but don’t feel that you have to give elaborate apologies, or feel guilty.
- If you believe that a criticism is unsound, aim to say so simply and assertively.
- If you feel that the other person is being aggressive or indirect (e.g. using sarcasm or teasing you), tell them how you feel about this, and ask them to talk simply and directly about how they feel about you, rather than attacking you in generalisations or indirectly.
- Be willing to acknowledge your weaknesses, and invite constructive help with them. This reduces the tension in the situation, and shows the other person that you are genuinely open to exploring the situation.
For more useful resources from Alan Heeks, see his websites:
Natural Happiness: cultivate your wellbeing with analogies from organic gardens and farming.
Seeding our Future: how individuals and communities can raise resilience and face climate change and other big issues.
Soul Resilience: finding meaning and purpose in turbulent times.