There are learnable skills which can make our relationships with other people and groups run easier. This is a short introduction to a big topic: you’ll find extra resources below if you’d like to explore further.
Communications
A lot of conflict and stress arises because people can’t express how they feel, or don’t believe they’ve been heard by the other person. Communication skills are about both expressing yourself, and hearing someone else, and this helps a lot with resilience. So here are ten top tips:
- Use ‘I’ statements: Own your feelings instead of blaming. It’s easier for the other person to hear ‘I feel upset’ than ‘You’re upsetting me’.
- Stay in the present: Talk about the present situation; don’t generalise or add on past grievances.
- Be specific: For example, ‘When you ignored my question, I felt upset’ gives the other person clear information which helps them understand you.
- When the other person is speaking, really listen: Give them your whole attention, it will ease the tension. It may help to repeat back what you heard, to show you were listening and make sure you got it. And avoid thinking about your reply when they’re speaking!
- Be constructive: Ask for what you’d like from the other person, gently, not insistently.
- Listen and seek understanding: Ask the other person about their feelings and clarify what actually happened. Many conflicts arise from misunderstandings.
- Be clear and direct: Avoid sarcasm. And don’t expect the other person to read your mind or pick up every hint you drop.
- Don’t escalate: calmly repeat: If you feel the other person is not hearing a key statement or request from you, just repeat it calmly. And again if need be. Don’t lose your temper or exaggerate to get through.
- Acknowledge the other person: It will help the other person if you assure them that you hear their feelings and can see their point of view. This is not the same as agreeing with them!
- What do you really feel and need? It can help you and anyone else in the situation if you can name what you’re feeling. And then, what exactly caused you to feel this way. And then, what do you need that would help right now. If someone just tells you, “You’ve really upset me”, it’s hard to know what to do. It’s more helpful if they say “I’m feeling unconfident, because you didn’t reply to the question I asked you. I need you to reassure me that you’ve got time for a short chat about this.”
For more detailed resources, try:
- Er, um: Seeding our Future’s Guide to Assertiveness.
- Non-Violent Communication (NVC): this is more widely relevant than it sounds! A good basis for clear expression in difficult situations. Summary here. Plenty of books and websites available via web search.
- I’m OK, You’re OK: this book is a very accessible way to understand the emotions under everyday conversations, through a simple method called Transactional Analysis. See more here.
Conflict Resolution
This is a 3-step process to de-fuse a situation, develop understanding, and find constructive solutions. Conflicts are often heated and complex, so proceed with care: use the more detailed guidance notes here, or get help from an independent party.
Stage 1: Cooling
The first aim must be to calm things down: this usually involves three steps:
- Allow strong emotions to be expressed and heard: If you’re attempting to defuse a conflict with someone who’s very angry, try to choose a time and place where you feel relatively calm, and have some support. If a row suddenly blows up, and you are both really upset, often the wisest thing is to say that you’ll discuss it later, and get yourself out of the situation.
At some point, you need to make clear to the other person that you recognise they feel strongly, and that you are aware of their specific emotions, e.g. anger. Recognising someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you agree with their point of view, simply that you can see that they feel very angry: just bearing witness about the other person’s feelings is usually very helpful to them. - Slow the situation down: When very upset, people often respond in one of two ways: they either become aggressive and threatening (fight) or they close down and walk away (flight). Try to stay calm and clear, and to steer both of you towards a few facts. For example, you might say, “Look, I’m really sorry you feel like that, it would help me a lot if you can explain to me why you feel this way.”
- Make good any loss of face: If you can tell the other person some positive things you appreciate about them, this can restore self-esteem and help put the current blow-up into perspective.
Stage 2: Clarifying
It’s said that 90% of all conflicts arise from misunderstandings, so a basic aim in this second stage is to get some shared clarity on the facts, including underlying needs and issues which are aggravating the immediate situation. There are four main tasks here:
- Agree ground rules and boundaries: In many conflicts, one party feels threatened or unsafe. You may need to agree that you hear each other out and don’t interrupt. That you don’t raise your voices or swear at each other. Or that you stop making threats and ultimatums until you have at least got the facts out.
- Hear both parties’ account of the facts: It’s usually best to hear each other out without interruption, and then ask any factual questions afterwards.
- Understand the underlying issues: This requires enough safety for both of you to open up about deeper needs and feelings. You might sort the issues into categories as follows:
- Factual issues: Clearing up any factual misunderstandings or lack of knowledge.
- Interest issues: The benefits or outcomes which each party wants from the negotiation.
- Power issues: This includes a sense of power imbalance between the parties.
- Value issues: Conflicts as to whether something is right or wrong, good or bad, based on differing beliefs and values.
- Face issues: Emotionally-charged issues affecting the sense of self-esteem.
These categories are in increasing order of difficulty to resolve, so start with 1 or 2.
- Recognise differences in values: These create intensity in many conflicts. We can’t expect that everyone will have the same values, but naming and accepting the differences helps us to live with them.
Stage 3: Completion
People often talk about conflict resolution: this doesn’t mean that the original mistake or upset can be undone or magically removed. It should mean that both parties feel their feelings have been heard, their needs have been respected, and that they have some sense of reassurance about the future outlook. Typical elements in completing the process could include:
- Reparation for the past: This could mean simply an apology, acknowledgement of how someone feels, or actual compensation. Some way of drawing a line under what has already happened is often needed.
- Shared hope for the future: Ideally both parties can tell each other that their relationship is important, and reach a shared understanding of how to reduce problems and improve things for the future.
- Respecting deeper needs and values: At minimum, accept differences in values, and you will greatly reduce the risk of serious conflicts in future.
- A solution–designing approach: Focus on meeting future needs, not solving the historic problem.
- Focus on interest and power issues: This would not apply in every situation, but jointly addressing these issues for the future usually provides a working resolution.
Resources
A good book is Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen.